Self Disclosure
Self-disclosure can be scary as hell, but it can also be a wonderful addition to a relationship. Most people confine feelings within themselves, because of a fear of rejection or disapproval from another. But self disclosure can bring you out of your isolation, and make a relationship more exciting and it also helps to build intimacy.
Talking isn’t the only way to disclose yourself. You do it all the time without knowing it, using body language, by ignoring them, or even by not saying anything at all. So really, its not whether or not to disclose your self, but how to do it effectively.
Self-disclosure can be defined as communicating information about yourself. This implies two things, that the disclosure is to another human, and not in your journal or diary, and it also implies that some disclosure is nonverbal. For example gestures, posture, and tone of voice. Disclosure also happens when you don’t mean it to. Unintentional slips are very common.
The definition also implies that the information is new, and not something you have already said, and are just bringing up again. Information has many forms; from fact, to feelings (past or present), to thoughts about yourself and others, and your own desires or needs.
Self-disclosure also has to be truthful. It is not a bunch of lies and falsities, or embellishments, it has to be your true self. Not just a mask you put on around others.
The Johari window uses a circle and divides your being into four main quadrants:
Open Self = all your conscious actions and statements.
Blind Self = things others can find out about you that you are unaware of: habits, mannerisms, defense mechanisms, flight strategies, etc.
Hidden Self = all your secrets---everything you think, feel, and desire that you keep to yourself.
Unknown Self = by definition unknown, but assumed to be the unconscious or subconscious including, dreams, drug trips, etc.
However, these quadrants are not rigid. As you go about your daily life, observations, thoughts, feelings, and wants, constantly move from one quadrant to the next. Everything is taken into the Hidden Self, things you see, and hear, and touch. Some you forget, which may then go to the Unknown Self, and some you remember, and keep to yourself, thus leaving them in the Hidden self, and some contribute to your unconscious habits, and pass into your Blind Self. Then there are things that you notice and pass onto others, which moves them into the Open Self.
When information moves from the Hidden to the Open Self, this is self disclosure. If you are good at disclosure, your Open Self quadrant will be larger than the other quadrants, the larger it is, the more benefits you receive from self disclosure.
Rewards of Self Disclosure
Most people don’t want to risk the consequences of disclosing themselves. They are afraid of the rejection, or having to justify themselves to another. The chapter had five main rewards of self-disclosure.
Increased Self Knowledge
You usually will understand yourself better after trying to explain it to someone else. You have to clarify, define, specify, and then draw conclusions, in order to make someone else understand. For example, trying to express your needs, will add detail, and show you where they might be inconsistent and what areas you might need to resolve conflict with.
Closer Intimate Relationships
You have to disclose yourself in a relationship, before you can expect the other person to disclose themselves. And in order to have a basic intimate relationship, you both must know one another. If you disclose yourselves, then it builds a stronger bond and deepens the relationship. If you keep parts of yourself hidden, then the relationship will most likely not amount to much. It might be shallow, or unsatisfying.
Improved Communication
When you disclose yourself to someone, they are more likely to disclose themselves to you in response. This will also broaden the range of topics you have to talk about, even with those you aren’t as close with. It will also deepen the level of communication, so that instead of getting just facts and opinions, you get feelings and needs as well.
Lighter Guilt Feelings
When you disclose something, you may also lighten the unreasonable and often painful feelings of guilt. There are two ways that you lighten your load. First, you don’t waste as much energy keeping your thoughts or actions hidden. And second, when whatever you might feel guilty about is disclosed, you can actually look at it more objectively. You also get another person’s thoughts on it, and feedback from them. This might help you decide whether or not your guilt is appropriate or not. A good friend is just the person to talk about your guilt feelings to, although many people talk to a priest or therapist.
More Energy
The energy you spend keeping things inside, and hidden from others, you can know expend in other ways. Instead of being grouchy, silent, and withdrawn, you have more fun, and enjoy things more, because you aren’t worried about your secret. Feelings that aren’t expressed, tend to build up inside, until they are taking away from your everyday life, because you aren’t having fun, and you miss important, yet small details in life. If your relationship starts to dissolve, it could be because of the secret you are keeping. This would be one way to tell if you should reveal your secret or not: if things start to break down in your relationship.
Blocks to Self Disclosure
Why doesn’t everyone tell everyone else everything about themselves? Society. If you talk about yourself too much, you are considered stuck on yourself, or if you talk about how you feel too much, people assume you are overly sensitive. Or you don’t disclose yourself because you are scared. Scared of punishment, of what other people will think and say, and most of all terrified of rejection. Everyone has feared rejection at one time or another. If you say something negative, you are afraid they will assume you are always negative, or if you reveal something positive, you will be called a braggart. Or perhaps, by disclosing yourself to others, you are afraid that you will know yourself better, and you are afraid that you will discover things about yourself that you won’t like.
Levels of Disclosure
You are most certainly more open with close friends and family that you trust, as opposed to say, someone you have just met. This is completely normal, almost everyone is like that. The healthiest disclosure is a balanced amount, and learning whom to tell what to. If one area is too large, than that means that another area is smaller because of it, and how that affects you could be how someone sees you. For example, if your Open Self is too large, people might see you as a blabbermouth. Or, if your Blind Self is too large, you could conceivably come off as a bully.
Perception:
The process of sensing reality and the resulting understanding or view people have of it. Different people are likely to have somewhat different, and sometimes contradictory, views or understandings of the same events or person. It is rare that different observers describe events or persons in exactly the same way. Often managers and their subordinates, coworkers, or supervisors see and describe the same situation differently. For this reason, presenting a clear, well-documented, agreed-upon description of a situation is the first step in the diagnostic approach. Because our perceptions have a strong impact on our descriptions, our diagnoses of events, and our subsequent behavior, it is important to examine the perceptual process and some of the factors that affect it.
Basically the perceptual process takes place in two stages, the first being selection, and the second is organization. When people select, they take notice of the features of certain events. And because of their different concerns, perspectives, biases (conscious or unconscious), and vantage points, they would select quite different features. We use stimuli to select what we take notice of. Usually larger stimuli are more noticeable, and therefore, we pay more attention to them.
Organization occurs once we have selected the stimuli. We categorize and organize them, so that the material makes sense to us. We group these stimuli into two ways, standing out against a background or as a pattern. For example a manager might see one worker in comparison to the entire group of workers, thus using the background method. And when using a pattern to group, you might see someone assume that a woman in a white uniform at the hospital is a nurse, because traditionally more women have been nurses than doctors. Culture also effects the way we select and organize things.